Emotions Running High

(Disclaimer - this is a pretty deep post, and if you wish to stop reading now, I understand. I promise to have more lighthearted fare next time!)

I've never had a weekend quite like the weekend I am just ending. I didn't think it was possible to experience joy and grief at the same time...

Now I know that it is possible, and that I'm probably a better person after this weekend...

I began Friday with a lot of excitement and anticipation. As I have blogged about a few times over the past couple of weeks, my dear friend Christa got married last night and I was honored to be asked to serve as her Matron of Honor. My mom was planning to come up and spend the weekend with the little one so Ryan and I could attend all of the wedding events.

That was the plan at least...God, however, had something slightly different in mind...

My maternal grandfather (whom I have always called Pappa) has not been in great health for several years. In the past several months, however, we have noticed a much more significant decline in his condition. We have been preparing ourselves for what was to come, as Hospice was called in a few weeks ago. With that being said, my Mom had informed me that my Pappa was actually doing better for a couple of weeks, until this past week when he spent most of his days in bed and only uttered one word or two. Friday morning, my Mom called to let me know that my Dad would be watching Alexandra this weekend as the Hospice nurse had called and said she thought there was very little time left.

I hung up the phone and I sobbed...I didn't know what to do. After a lot of debating back and forth, I finally decided to head on up on Friday night to NKY/Cincinnati for Christa's wedding - especially after my Mom and my Mamma (grandmother) told me that it was what they wanted me to do and that it was what my Pappa would have wanted me to do as well.

So we went on Friday night, as planned...and I'm so happy we did. Christa looked beautiful, and just radiated joy out of every pore. Spending the weekend sharing in her excitement was a refreshing breath of fresh air. While Pappa never strayed far from my thoughts and I shed several tears over the weekend (both from joy at the marriage of my best friend and sadness at the thought of losing my Pappa), it did me good to be at an event where I could be enveloped in happiness and love. To my great surprise, I even made it through my Matron of Honor speech without shedding a tear (well, I might have gotten misty-eyed a couple of times...).

We returned to Louisville this morning, and after spending a couple of hours with Alexandra, I drove to my hometown to see my Pappa. I had about an hour drive to steel myself in anticipation of what I would see and saying my final goodbye. When I saw my Pappa lying in his hospital bed, I physically and emotionally ached, seeing the shell of a man that I always knew as my grandfather - the stoic farmer. I held his hand and gave him water. I kissed his face, and whispered to him that I would always love him, and that while we would miss him, it was okay for him to go and be at peace....that we would be okay. As I left to return home, I knew in my heart that it would be the last time I would see my Pappa alive.

As you can see, it has been a weekend of the most extreme emotions for me, such highs and lows. With that being said, I wouldn't trade this weekend for the world as I have stood witness to the most shining examples of love...


The love of a father and child, so clearly exhibited in the tearful smiles and tight embraces of Christa and her father as he saw her in her wedding gown for the very first time. That love was also so obvious in watching my Mom and my Pappa. I was struck this afternoon by the overpowering love she has for her father as I watched her climb into his hospital bed and let him lean back on her chest so he could sit up for a few moments, and as she lovingly eased him back onto his pillow to rest.

The love and devotion shared by a husband and wife. I observed this in watching my dear friend interact with her groom. I saw this in the parents of the bride, who have been married almost 40 years - Christa's father shared with the guests that as he and Christa's mom have happened across a wedding party over the years, they squeeze hands and say, "May they be." He explained that they say this as a wish that all of these newly-married couples may be as happy and content as they are today.

I also saw this in my grandparents. My Mamma has moved into the guest room, sleeping on a small bed next to Pappa's hospital bed. She has not left his side for one minute. Even today, as we all slipped out into the family room to let Pappa rest, I watched as she moved her rocking chair to the outer edge of the room, just outside his bedroom door so she could keep watch over him.

Yes, it has been a weekend with my emotions running high. While I know the coming days will be difficult as we brace ourselves for the loss of my Pappa, I know that he will be in a much better place and free of pain, which makes us all feel at peace. On the drive back to Louisville, I thought of how blessed I am to have born witness to the events I observed this weekend and to witness ...

the love I have for my dear friend,

the romantic love shared by my friend and her groom, by my parents and Christa's parents, and by my grandparents,

and the love between parent and child.

One thing I'm certain of - I'm a better person for what I have seen this weekend.